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How the Light Felt

by smut

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1.
Soft Engine 03:54
Rain drops tapping away at my bones and I creak The house sways in time For me to mind Everything around me I’m an engine You pull me Slowly When words are worn down and the sounds that I need are visceral You see now, I’m miserable I’m an engine You pull me Slowly Breathe into me and I’ll take the life out of you But when it comes to it, I’ll let you do it If you want to I’m an engine You pull me Slowly Out with a whimper, goin 90 On a backroad, I cannot see ahead of me But you're so agreeable I can taste the smoke of a thousand years Aching on your skin The riches you're used to surface again I’ll break the stars against you, you’ve won Fragmented, and dangerous, I’m outdone When words are worn down and the sounds that I need are visceral You see now, I’m miserable
2.
You watch me trail along Wanting to be closer than logic allows I look up to you You put me down Hiding at the neighbors Shushing as our friends call our names Closer than comfort Wrapped in shade You call me by her name But I was here first And I was your girl You live in dark corners to drag me in I am eighteen, I find it romantic Needing support and secrets kept hidden Feeling rebellious, feeling gigantic You weren't a good person but moments were nice Ignoring my conscience for a touching the night Drive to the hospital Trying to wake you Dragged from property Right, see you later You called me by her name But I was here first And I was your girl You called me by her name But I was here first When I was your girl Your hand over mouth Decipher the sounds push to make Say you're better now Ignoring lies, I’ll guess it’s safe I don't see you around Unless you're on me, pressed against my face Say you're happy now It’s not the same, I need some space Sculptures come to life and someone asks me if I’m famous I’m shifting actuality, you'll stay the same as When grass is wet and August’s cold Meet in the car and have you hold me A moment so kind, the windows misting You ask if you're mine and then you kiss me I think I have to go You called me by her name But I was here first And I was your girl You called me by her name But I was here first When I was your girl
3.
Let Me Hate 03:30
I had a dream about you last night Painted pink and blue With shaking hands I held your pieces And I thanked God for you I took your arm so gently, terrified Of breaking from this scene Your eyes were glass, you said you saw me Paperwork and roses scattered, collapsing The whole room laughed and morning came I woke alone and I laid still and willed myself to sleep again I gotta therapist to help me Arrange the word again In patterns built from something different Than the mess I’m living in She says give me one with feeling And write down what it means Can’t let me hate this world for taking you But let’s me have my dreams Let me hate Hate it all It can’t be changed Let me hate Let me hate Til I’m ready and these dreams won’t feel as heavy when I wake
4.
You are aware, but you don't wanna talk about it But you need to Someday, somewhere Lost time will stop hurting you and You’ll need to care Winter came and the phone calls stopped The hills caved in and the rain held off Hold tightly to the memories that haunt you You walk beside me And wax poetic about the night It’s still and quiet It’s everything you crave and I do not see The sadness creeping in Winter came and the phonecalls stopped The hills caved in and the rain held off Hold tightly to the memories that haunt you You’re spring gone sour And you’ll talk on your wheel for hours About a song you can't place
5.
Supersolar 03:31
Tearing my chest out Figure about when my stars had died Turning it over, heart supersolar I’m terrified Head split Streetlights flicker as you passit Full of stones and drowning in atonement Undressed turned away to hide Don’t feel you watching like you used to But I won't ask you Tearing my chest out Figure about when my stars had died Turning it over, heart supersolar I’m terrified Possessed In a vortex of resounding grief It’s hurting you to love me as much as I need And do you feel to fear the fever burn To sympathize with ruins pain in front of you I’m not the flower you painted by the sea You say we're friends but treat me like an enemy Left sat in blame and guilt of the forgotten words you spoke to me Tearing my chest out Figure about when my stars had died Turning it over, heart supersolar I’m terrified
6.
Janeway 03:03
My knuckles snap A blood-grip cracks The point ripped away My monolith fixation’s Turning black and blue and grey The rain won't stop I’ll turn around and let the sadness stretch me under Say I’m strong tomorrow cos tonight I want the thunder If I could drown myself The king of someplace else I’d run away to a greener planet Chase the time I took for granted The hardest hollow Sugar sinking Hum along to keep from thinking An afterimage So earth clicks out And here I drift in a life of obligation Everything I knew was solid Now it exists on a different station And if I slept all day I know I’d float away But when I wake there’s no escaping Now you’ve gone my heart is breaking The hardest hollow Sugar sinking Hold your pictures, count my breathing It’s just an afterimage
7.
The moon cannot be shifted I know this as well as you If I’m gifted Maybe it’s something I could do The sky is flooded With twisted birds The pattern holds no purpose But it works I catch myself shrinking From an outside perspective And ask how the light felt Before this I’ve seen flowers Bent at ugly angles Killing hours On the floor Wires tangled I catch myself shrinking From an outside perspective And ask how the light felt Before this
8.
When I was seventeen Went into the woods to discover the dogwrappedinwire A fire burned it's disguise away Stayed buried for years now we can’t know the killers design You’re so sweet I can’t stand it I can’t stand it The sunshine meets Where you plant it An object of mystery Tragedy, history, and I’m in love Ten years pass Drove you back to Kentucky to tell you the story The trees are bound in tape A federal investigation is now taking place You’re so sweet I can’t stand it I can’t stand it The sunshine meets Where you plant it An object of mystery Tragedies, injuries, and I’m in love When I was seventeen Went into the woods to destroy my perception of self My saddest memories Are now filled with light now I have you to tell
9.
Morningstar 04:05
Shooting stars in my arms Heavy eyes, now the floor is slipping under me I may be childish but when I cry why won’t you feel for me Elliptical memory shifting til everything falls silent and still But if you don’t care at all tell me who will Growling heat, crumbling,telling me “listen please” Swirling oil, kerosine, morning soil breaking loose and leaves Freckled face, open space, killing moon, blowing smoke in my eyes Call it a conversation Call it goodbye But if you don’t care at all tell me who will If you don’t care at all tell me who will If you don’t care at all tell me who will If you don’t care at all tell me who will Jealousy, sacrifice, not as nice When I know better than what I am Hold me close, let me go Tell me yes, tell me no Be the person I can’t stand Pupils small, ten feet tall Under your arm I’m turning Say you cannot hurt me You’re a gun
10.
Trudged in snow like phantoms finding solace in others Picking at the stitches, you’re a graceless gunner I’m caught on the wires and fall As I hit the ground our eyes meet Trudged in snow like phantoms finding solace in others Picking at the stitches, you’re a graceless gunner I’m caught on the wires and fall As I hit the ground our eyes meet Stay awhile Stay awhile, I’ve been so lonely Stay awhile Stay awhile, I need your company We used to walk in tandem on parking lot bumpers Squeezed between the action, severed shadows of summer You hold my hand to keep me balanced and When our eyes meet We used to walk in tandem on parking lot bumpers Squeezed between the action, severed shadows of summer You hold my hand to keep me balanced and When our eyes meet Stay awhile Stay awhile, I’ve been so lonely Stay awhile Stay awhile, I need your company

credits

released November 11, 2022

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